


Rule #452.5 of Overwatch

by Ardene



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Dad Reaper | Gabriel Reyes, Gen, Humor, Pet Names, Pre-Fall of Overwatch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 13:56:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14620058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ardene/pseuds/Ardene
Summary: McCree certainly never meant to call Gabriel "dad". He also certainly never meant to start a war between Gabriel and Ana, calling each other the most bizarre food-related names they could come up with. He also certainly never meant for it to invoke the wrath of Jack Morrison, but sometimes things just don't work out as intended.





	Rule #452.5 of Overwatch

“Sure thing, dad.”

Gabriel and Ana stopped what they were doing and stared at McCree.

“Excuse me?” Gabriel asked.

“What?” McCree asked, thinking for a moment before suddenly blanching. “Oh my god. Did I just call you…”

Gabriel nodded.

Meanwhile, Ana, no longer able to keep a straight face, burst into laughter. “It finally happened! Congratulations Gabe, you are now a father. Welcome to parenthood!” She slapped her knee. “Oh boy, this will be one you’ll never live down.”

Gabriel shrugged. “Hey, it could be worse. I’m a pretty good father, if I do say so myself. Better than Jack. If he thinks he can be Team Dad, he has something coming.”

“Will you two please drop it?” McCree asked, eyes begging.

“Now the question is, who is the mother?” Ana asked, not paying any mind to the distraught teenager beside her. “Probably some barkeeper’s daughter in a small town in New Mexico, her father is a drunk. One day, one Gabriel Reyes strides in, sits down at the counter and with a charming smile…”

“Nope, I am having no part of this, I’m out of here,” McCree mutters, hurrying off.

“Hey, I didn’t dismiss you, soldier!” Gabriel called after him, but made no move to stop him. The only reply he heard was the slam of a door in the distance.

“Ah, he’ll get over it. Don’t worry, dad,” Ana said, a twinkle in her eye.

\------

Soon Gabriel’s life was full of the phrases “hey dad!” “Dad, report in.” “Dad, I need you to fill in this paperwork,” all from the mocking mouth of Ana. Gabriel took it quietly for several days before he decided to retaliate.

“Hey dad, I forwarded an email to you. I’m not sure how it got sent to me, but it looked important,” Ana said to Gabriel, casually flicking through her messages while eating a French fry with the other hand.

“Thanks, sweetheart,” Gabriel replied, snatching a fry off her plate.

“What?” Ana asked, nearly choking on her food.

“Oh god when did two you hook up?” McCree muttered from beside them.

“I mean, I’m ‘dad’ to you right? Doesn’t that mean you’re my daughter, munchkin?” Gabriel asked with his infamous shrug.

“Never call me anything like that ever again,” Ana said, murder in her eyes.

“Sure thing, princess.”

“That’s not complying, sweetie-pie” Ana said with a glare.

“Oh you’ll get over it, pumpkin.”

“Over my dead body, sugar.”

The next week was filled with Gabriel and Ana coming up with more embarrassing pet names for the other, trying to one up each other. At one point, McCree couldn’t point out exactly when despite being so (begrudgingly) intertwined in the whole ordeal, the two of them had somehow devolved into simply calling each other by the names of random foods. What was once “honey”, “pumpkin”, and “cookie” (normal pet names), was now “cucumber,” “fajita”, and “waffle”.

Of course, this was also the time that Jack Morrison finally came back from an extended mission.

“Wow, I’m beat. We were out there a solid week longer than we were supposed to be. A lot of leg work too,” Jack complained to Ana, rubbing his back.

“Take some time to relax, have some tea with me later on,” Ana suggested. Oh, and speaking of tea, Chai Latte! Jack is back!” she called, waving to someone in the hallway.

Jack turned and looked in confusion at Gabriel. “Chai Latte?”

“Hey Jack, Tomato Paste,” Gabriel replied, nodding to each in turn. “You were sure gone a long time.”

“Tomato Paste? What are you two on about?” Jack asked, bewildered.

“What are you talking about?” Ana asked.

“The whole chai latte and tomato paste thing. What was that about?”

“I think you need to get your hearing checked,” Gabriel replied, with a comforting pat on Jack’s shoulder. “You must be tired, go get some sleep.”

“But I- you- aw, hell with it. I could use a nap. Later,” he said, leaving with a shake of his head.

Once he was gone out of earshot, Ana said to Gabe “we never tell him, right?”

“Absolutely not.”

\-----

As the week went on Jack became increasingly confused over the food names. The worst part is that no one else seemed to notice them.

“Hey, have you seen Eggplant around?” Gabriel asked one of the soldiers as he walked past.

“No, sir, not since yesterday,” he replied.

“If you see her tell her to come to my office. Her kid’s looking for her and is getting mighty cranky.”

“Will do, sir.” The soldier saluted as Gabriel walked away.

Jack’s eyes narrowed as he witnessed the exchange. Gabriel most certainly said Eggplant. And yet, the soldier seemed to know exactly who he was talking about. An idea coming to mind, Jack strode up to the soldier and addressed him.

“Hey, Artem, can you put these files on Eggplant’s desk?” he asked, holding out a stack of papers in his hand.

Artem stared at him, his face carefully blank. “Eggplant?”

“You know… Eggplant. Tomato Paste. Pumpernickel. Alphagetti. Samosa? Chilli cheese dog? Whole grain pasta? Zucchini?!” Jack’s voice got more loud and agitated with each food he said, listing off every food he could think of Gabriel calling her at rapid speed. People around him began to stare.

“I- I’m sorry sir,” Artem said, turning and running away, assumedly in fear. What he didn’t know was that as soon as Artem dashed into the nearest room he could find, he burst out into uncontrollable laughter.

“What is happening…. Why are they like this…” Jack groaned, banging his head against a wall.

\-----

Eventually, when Jack could finally take no more, he called a meeting with all of the Overwatch base present. After going over all the more important matters he closed the meeting with “and finally, there is a ban of calling ANY person in Overwatch by a food name. No exceptions.”

“Um, Jack, can I ask why? This seems anal, even for you.” Gabriel asked innocently.

“You know damn well why, Reyes,” Jack growled out.

“But my name is literally ‘Honey!’” complained an agent from the back.

Jack paused for a moment. “You may call someone by a food name, if that is their legal name only.

“So I can’t call Fareeha Pumpkin anymore?” Ana asked.

“No,” Jack responded immediately.

“I can’t call my wife Sugar?” asked another member.

This was followed by more and more members expressing their disdain.

“No exceptions!” Jack bellowed, silencing the room. “I will not lift the ban until people learn how to behave like mature adults. Honestly, I expected better of you. That is all, you are dismissed.”

Slowly the members got up and made their way out of the assembly room. “Well, it was fun while it lasted,” Ana said to Gabriel as he caught up to her. “Maybe we can bring it up again in a few years when he least expects it.”

“Honestly I didn’t think he’d take it this far,” Gabriel replied.

And thus, rule #452.5 of Overwatch was born. While not written in any official records, the members knew better than to call their loved ones sweet names while Jack was around. Some new members were bit by the rule, and were chewed out by Jack to their utter confusion, but eventually everyone heard of the rule, usually quite quickly into their recruitment. It had been 48 days since McCree accidentally called Gabriel ‘dad’, and those 48 days would go down as the best or worst days in Overwatch history, depending on who you asked.

**Author's Note:**

> This is certainly weird. Thanks for reading!


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